from the Silence

It's been a while.  In the meantime I read a quote that eloquently described my experience.  "Until a thing is everything it is just noise.  Once it is everything it becomes silence."  I sat with the noise until this morning.  Actually I woke to the noise.  But then a desire became everything and I entered the silence.  It was delicious. I melted and was in a bath of white light.  I came away with a clear focus.  My goal today was to try, just try, to imagine what it would feel like to never have to worry again,  and then act like it.   Because it is a fact.  Worry has never changed anything for the better.  If anything it has disturbed any calm I had and at worst it has been very destructive. 
This has been the best day I have had in some time.  Think I'll keep on imagining.

changes

It seems the only thing constant is change. But I've been looking for change in my life for a long while now and sometimes I wonder if I ever have really changed anything.  But it isn't easy to change.  I'm convinced that there is a period of "dead reckoning" that must be accomplished before change can occur.  A separating of the facts from the "story" or the narrative which seems to be on going.  All the cognitive entanglements must be freed in order for a new connection to be formed. 
The mind must be open.  I was about eighteen years old when I read the book "The Mind That Hears" by Harlan Lane.  My baby was deaf and it was suggested I read this.  I'm glad I did for I realized that blocked ears went a problem.  I could see the child's mind was open.  If only his mother had been so lucky.
Thirty seven years have passed.  I have read thousands of books!  And been fortunate to have many simple practises suggested to me that aid in this process of opening the mind.  I'm not sure if it's that simple isn't the same as easy or if I truly suck at application-but it isn't nearly fast enough for me.  My mind is not often enough free of entanglement. 
I'm looking for a little space. that's all.  Some space between my thoughts, between my breaths, and mostly between my impulses and actions.
Yoga is the single most helpful thing I have found.  I want to practise it more.  When I started this blog I thought maybe I had something to say.  In the short number of weeks since I got this computer and made the leap I have found it merely tangles up my mind in unproductive ways.  I've moved to a new apartment and things have felt very different from December till now.  I don't think I have that much to say. I always wanted to write.  And I always believed that eloquence was reduction to simplest terms.  Sometimes, usually, we speak far more by what we don't say.  Maybe silence is the most powerful thing I will ever say.  Wish me luck.

indulgence

Some of us need to practise indulging ourselves.  Poor habits started early and taking care of myself isn't my strong suit.  I was raised in a way that promoted doing what was in front of me to do- whether it was mine or not.  I was also raised to try to take care of the people around me.
A child of chaos will do these things.  And so living my life indiscriminately led to all manner of ills.  By the time I realised that my points of reference were wrong much damage had been done.  Running on empty had become a way of life... 
I've learned there are 7 things that I am responsible for.  Things required for survival.  The basics, contact with others, oxygen, water, nutrition, rest, elimination, and temperature.  As I aim for the middle path it constantly amazes me how badly I can screw these up! 
On a day like today, when I am aware that the balance has tipped I know what I need to focus on.  But adding in a little kindness is the tough part.  I'll give myself the time it's taking to write this and I'll just do the best I can to get threw this day.  After all I'm not alone, and every day doesn't hurt this much :)