from the Silence

It's been a while.  In the meantime I read a quote that eloquently described my experience.  "Until a thing is everything it is just noise.  Once it is everything it becomes silence."  I sat with the noise until this morning.  Actually I woke to the noise.  But then a desire became everything and I entered the silence.  It was delicious. I melted and was in a bath of white light.  I came away with a clear focus.  My goal today was to try, just try, to imagine what it would feel like to never have to worry again,  and then act like it.   Because it is a fact.  Worry has never changed anything for the better.  If anything it has disturbed any calm I had and at worst it has been very destructive. 
This has been the best day I have had in some time.  Think I'll keep on imagining.

changes

It seems the only thing constant is change. But I've been looking for change in my life for a long while now and sometimes I wonder if I ever have really changed anything.  But it isn't easy to change.  I'm convinced that there is a period of "dead reckoning" that must be accomplished before change can occur.  A separating of the facts from the "story" or the narrative which seems to be on going.  All the cognitive entanglements must be freed in order for a new connection to be formed. 
The mind must be open.  I was about eighteen years old when I read the book "The Mind That Hears" by Harlan Lane.  My baby was deaf and it was suggested I read this.  I'm glad I did for I realized that blocked ears went a problem.  I could see the child's mind was open.  If only his mother had been so lucky.
Thirty seven years have passed.  I have read thousands of books!  And been fortunate to have many simple practises suggested to me that aid in this process of opening the mind.  I'm not sure if it's that simple isn't the same as easy or if I truly suck at application-but it isn't nearly fast enough for me.  My mind is not often enough free of entanglement. 
I'm looking for a little space. that's all.  Some space between my thoughts, between my breaths, and mostly between my impulses and actions.
Yoga is the single most helpful thing I have found.  I want to practise it more.  When I started this blog I thought maybe I had something to say.  In the short number of weeks since I got this computer and made the leap I have found it merely tangles up my mind in unproductive ways.  I've moved to a new apartment and things have felt very different from December till now.  I don't think I have that much to say. I always wanted to write.  And I always believed that eloquence was reduction to simplest terms.  Sometimes, usually, we speak far more by what we don't say.  Maybe silence is the most powerful thing I will ever say.  Wish me luck.

indulgence

Some of us need to practise indulging ourselves.  Poor habits started early and taking care of myself isn't my strong suit.  I was raised in a way that promoted doing what was in front of me to do- whether it was mine or not.  I was also raised to try to take care of the people around me.
A child of chaos will do these things.  And so living my life indiscriminately led to all manner of ills.  By the time I realised that my points of reference were wrong much damage had been done.  Running on empty had become a way of life... 
I've learned there are 7 things that I am responsible for.  Things required for survival.  The basics, contact with others, oxygen, water, nutrition, rest, elimination, and temperature.  As I aim for the middle path it constantly amazes me how badly I can screw these up! 
On a day like today, when I am aware that the balance has tipped I know what I need to focus on.  But adding in a little kindness is the tough part.  I'll give myself the time it's taking to write this and I'll just do the best I can to get threw this day.  After all I'm not alone, and every day doesn't hurt this much :)

packing (or is it picking) up the pieces

I started the day with a massage. Ahh... I allow myself these now that I've learned better. After all it is the oldest form of healing.  And selfish means that you don't want to share.  That's never been the  case.  It's just that I can't share anything if I'm empty!  Or caught in pain for that matter.
But then I come home and start cleaning.  It's what I do when I'm not sure what to do!  Somehow the act of restoring physical order always helps order me internally.  But you have to pay attention.  My legs have begun to throb again and I don't want to ruin the nice effects of the massage.
Every time I've moved I've gotten rid of more and more things.  Really, I'm down to just two rooms now.
The real treasures are carried within.  So it's odd this way we have of accumulating "things".
I'm packing up blue glass.  This is the sort of thing I am attached to.  That and books!  Well I just got a kindle maybe that will free up some space.  Because that's really what I want more of.  Space between my thoughts, space between my impulses and actions- space between my breaths.

things fall gently into place

Ahh.. I stayed home and that's something I like to do. Especially since I will be moving in the first week of 2012.  Even a positive move is still a stressor.  My apartment is clean.  There's one box of holiday decorations already put up.  There's a bag for the Goodwill ready to go.  I've eaten twice.  and best of all I practised yoga.  At the end of class this morning we focused on breath with our hands at various positions on the ribs.  As we did I realized that for the rest of my life there would be nothing I could discover that would be more beneficial to me then doing this.  Not only because of the physical results but also the peace of mind it promotes.  Especially because I still smoke cigarettes! 
I've long ago discovered the magic of breathing.  It is a sensuous experience that unites body and mind and brings me to the present moment.  It also produces a trance like effect that soothes pain. 
And lastly I spoke with a friend.  I could feel empathy for her because I remember when I was where she is.  All she can she is what she feels or believes she doesn't have.  I'm glad I am not there anymore.
It's become a routine of mine to review the day and list at least three things that pleased me. 
I have a meeting this evening so I thought I'd do it now.
I'm a blessed woman.

The on line world

I've doubted this purchase already- of the computer that is!  It takes so much time! Maybe it's the novelty, maybe it's my inexperience and need to learn.  But there is a lot of ways I could be using my time that would be more productive and probably healthier.
I'm justifying the time by the sense I have of being overwhelmed.  When I feel this way I'm not efficient in any endeavors. 
Often I've noticed that yielding when I feel pressured is the hardest thing for me to do.  To simply stop trying to make things happen.  But I've also noticed that when I do manage to yield things fall into place- almost gently.  So here's to the mystery.

To Live & Die in Barre, MA

I've been wondering what this blog is all about. Except the obvious, writing has helped me survive.  Maybe I should have named it "fragmented".  But that's where i came from and I'm journeying toward unity.   I believe I'm going back to a memory of wholeness that exists.  It's just that it isn't in my conscious memory!
Bev, my yoga teacher says the body remembers wholeness from the embryonic state.  And I experience the difference yoga makes everyday! It's totally changed my life.  Really, I haven't seen an orthopedic surgeon in years now and that's a record!
The greatest minds in the world agree that we don't know that much.  But one thing they do agree on is that unity exists.  Life is connected to life.
I lived years with my mind and body so out of balance that I thought they were separate.  Much in society promotes this idea.  But when I started to question what made something true and experimented with my own life it became very interesting.  That's a bit of a miracle in itself, because what I was seeing seemed to be a life that was irrevocably broken.
So even though it's Christmas and my son's birthday and  there is all this pressure to hurry around- I'm gonna put me first today.  You see I really am grateful for the blessings in my life.  And that attitude has carried me through a lesson or two.  I know in some deep place, with all the parts of my being that the best gift I can give is a peaceful, healthy, smiling me.