packing (or is it picking) up the pieces

I started the day with a massage. Ahh... I allow myself these now that I've learned better. After all it is the oldest form of healing.  And selfish means that you don't want to share.  That's never been the  case.  It's just that I can't share anything if I'm empty!  Or caught in pain for that matter.
But then I come home and start cleaning.  It's what I do when I'm not sure what to do!  Somehow the act of restoring physical order always helps order me internally.  But you have to pay attention.  My legs have begun to throb again and I don't want to ruin the nice effects of the massage.
Every time I've moved I've gotten rid of more and more things.  Really, I'm down to just two rooms now.
The real treasures are carried within.  So it's odd this way we have of accumulating "things".
I'm packing up blue glass.  This is the sort of thing I am attached to.  That and books!  Well I just got a kindle maybe that will free up some space.  Because that's really what I want more of.  Space between my thoughts, space between my impulses and actions- space between my breaths.

things fall gently into place

Ahh.. I stayed home and that's something I like to do. Especially since I will be moving in the first week of 2012.  Even a positive move is still a stressor.  My apartment is clean.  There's one box of holiday decorations already put up.  There's a bag for the Goodwill ready to go.  I've eaten twice.  and best of all I practised yoga.  At the end of class this morning we focused on breath with our hands at various positions on the ribs.  As we did I realized that for the rest of my life there would be nothing I could discover that would be more beneficial to me then doing this.  Not only because of the physical results but also the peace of mind it promotes.  Especially because I still smoke cigarettes! 
I've long ago discovered the magic of breathing.  It is a sensuous experience that unites body and mind and brings me to the present moment.  It also produces a trance like effect that soothes pain. 
And lastly I spoke with a friend.  I could feel empathy for her because I remember when I was where she is.  All she can she is what she feels or believes she doesn't have.  I'm glad I am not there anymore.
It's become a routine of mine to review the day and list at least three things that pleased me. 
I have a meeting this evening so I thought I'd do it now.
I'm a blessed woman.

The on line world

I've doubted this purchase already- of the computer that is!  It takes so much time! Maybe it's the novelty, maybe it's my inexperience and need to learn.  But there is a lot of ways I could be using my time that would be more productive and probably healthier.
I'm justifying the time by the sense I have of being overwhelmed.  When I feel this way I'm not efficient in any endeavors. 
Often I've noticed that yielding when I feel pressured is the hardest thing for me to do.  To simply stop trying to make things happen.  But I've also noticed that when I do manage to yield things fall into place- almost gently.  So here's to the mystery.

To Live & Die in Barre, MA

I've been wondering what this blog is all about. Except the obvious, writing has helped me survive.  Maybe I should have named it "fragmented".  But that's where i came from and I'm journeying toward unity.   I believe I'm going back to a memory of wholeness that exists.  It's just that it isn't in my conscious memory!
Bev, my yoga teacher says the body remembers wholeness from the embryonic state.  And I experience the difference yoga makes everyday! It's totally changed my life.  Really, I haven't seen an orthopedic surgeon in years now and that's a record!
The greatest minds in the world agree that we don't know that much.  But one thing they do agree on is that unity exists.  Life is connected to life.
I lived years with my mind and body so out of balance that I thought they were separate.  Much in society promotes this idea.  But when I started to question what made something true and experimented with my own life it became very interesting.  That's a bit of a miracle in itself, because what I was seeing seemed to be a life that was irrevocably broken.
So even though it's Christmas and my son's birthday and  there is all this pressure to hurry around- I'm gonna put me first today.  You see I really am grateful for the blessings in my life.  And that attitude has carried me through a lesson or two.  I know in some deep place, with all the parts of my being that the best gift I can give is a peaceful, healthy, smiling me. 

Moving

I remember the first time I learned that moving is third on the life stessors scale.  Even if it's a positive move! It's true, goes death of a child, death of a spouse then moving!?! Huh? but I went on to learn why and it makes sense.  There's that part of your brain that knows where the bathroom is- even in the dark.  When you move you have to consciously think of all that and that equals stress.
Found out I'm moving- again.  It's a great move. One that takes financial pressure off among other positives.  But it is moving and I've moved so many times!!!  Here in this one town...
I've got much to do but I'm just sort of vibrating in my own skin.  Was hoping that venting might help

story on...

Ya ideas hadn't gotten her to far...lost in the storms of her mind mostly.  Without pratical application ideas weren't helping much. She had some good ones but they just led to unanswered questions.  Like-what had it all been for? And why?  Still, she was using them.  She'd asked herself what made something true and discovered that for her anyway belief was the answer.  So she was working on giving up her belief in injustice and tradgedy.
She didn't even believe in the victim profile, not from an intellectual perspective, but it was all she'd mangaged to manifest!
And then she got the call- the one she couldn't quite wrap her mind around.  He "quit breathing"?  No! this could not be happening!  She'd talked to him about this just weeks ago.  He was not allowed to die before her. Every cell in her body through up defense.  She'd give him hell when she got to the hospital, for doing this to her.  But some part of her knew.  It was true. And then she shattered.

Ideas

All any of us really needs is one good idea she argued, in her most persuasive voice. The thing about ideas is they don't work, he answered as he smiled over his shoulder and tapped her knee. Think about it he said. I mean Communism was a really great idea!  She was thunderstruck! Firstly because she didn't think of him as an intellectual, and secondly because she didn't realise how firmly her feet were planted in the sky..

first times the hardest!

So here I am at a computer for the first time in 53 years! let me tell you mt back was not desined to sit at a computer. Or maybe it's my brain?  Except I know you can't sepereate mindbody. I'm stuck between two worlds: I mean I really love journals and pens and books-the tools of the trade... But then again this is change and that's the only thing that's constant.   I'd like to throughout ideas and see what comes back. I'd like to post positve thoughts and words for the day. Just 24 hours at a time. So what's today's word? how about flexible?